How do you know when your child has watched too much Scooby Doo? Probably when he describes his plot to fight off zombies during his nightly bed time routine. I tucked in my five year old son, gave him a kiss, asked him about his day, and was about to head out of his room when the following exchange took place.
G: Do you think I could have a stick or knife in my bed in case of zombies?
Me: Uh, no. Remember, zombies aren’t real.
G: Yeah, they’re just in cartoons and movies.
Me: That’s right.
G: If I had to catch a zombie I’d use a mouse trap.
Me: A mouse trap? I don’t think that’s big enough.
G: Yeah, he’d get his toe stuck in the mouse trap then I’d use a sword to cut off his head.
Me: Let’s not talk about that kind of stuff buddy.
G: Daddy, don’t worry. Zombies aren’t real.
We went out for a family dinner last weekend with my in-laws. About halfway thru the meal my two year old daughter said that she needed to use the potty. She’s making great progress but any time she sounds the potty alarm we get to steppin’. My wife and I exchanged quick glances. The look in her eyes clearly stated “Your turn!” I quickly wiped the barbecue sauce from my hands and whisked Princess Poopypants to the men’s room.
I absolutely hate taking my daughter into a public men’s room. I’m a 35 year old man and I am routinely disgusted by the bathroom habits of my brethren. I’m not crazy about taking my five year old son to the men’s room either but he has a penis so he better get used to it.
Anyway, we entered the restroom and I quickly ducked into the first open stall. I was greeted by the gastrointestinal leavins of a prior patron, or a large farm animal. Frankly, it was tough to tell. I blurted “Oh my lord!”, which is the parent censored version of “Holy shit some neanderthal just ruined the toilet. People are fucking animals!”
I dashed my little princess to the next stall and got her situated on the potty. Then the questions started, “Daddy, why did you said ‘Oh my yord’?”
"Use the potty honey."
She persisted. I tried to be evasive. No luck. I tried to be vague. She wasn’t buying. Finally I said “Someone used the potty and didn’t clean up.”
That set off another round of questioning. She finished her business and we got her hands washed and dried. I thought I was in the clear. As we returned to the table to resume our dinner she informed the rest of our party, “Daddy opened the door and said ‘Oh my yord!’. Daddy, why did you said ‘Oh my yord’?”Tweet
Let me start by saying that I’m not a fan of musicals. I don’t have much use for the genre. You can call me an uncultured buffoon if you like. I’m fine with that, but I’m not fine with musicals. To me the musical is the laziest art form on the planet. It’s like someone wrote a half-assed play and someone else wrote some half-assed songs so they mashed them together to create a musical. Reese’s made a fortune combining chocolate and peanut butter. Broadway has made a fortune combining brussel sprouts and cod liver oil. No thanks.
That said, I have watched NBC’s new show ‘Smash’ which is a show about the creation of a musical. It’s not something I’d normally watch but my dear Wife has logged countless hours with me watching morons buying storage lockers and rednecks shooting gators in the head. The least I can do is watch a little ‘Smash’.
It’s not terrible. Katherine McPhee is easy on the eyes, as is her in-show rival. I don’t know her name and am too lazy to look it up so I’ll call her the blonDDe one. See what I did there? The director is a womanizing, egotistical prick who you simultaneously want to cockpunch and buy a beer. Anjelica Huston plays the producer and she has to be like 115 years old by now. The plot twists are fairly predictable but they keep the spontaneous outbursts of song to a minimum. One nice benefit is that NBC runs a shit ton of Victoria’s Secret commercials during the show. So there’s that.
All in all, if you’re looking to score some points with your significant other you could do worse than an episode of ‘Smash’. It sure beats Lifetime and anything starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.Tweet
My five year old son told my mother-in-law a few weeks back that he was curious about the World. It was one of those moments as a parent that you want to bottle up and put on a shelf for safe keeping. The curiosity, the sense of wonder, and the innocence were a wonderful respite from the near constant potty talk and sofa jumping. I told him that before bed we could start learning about anything that made him curious. He could pick one topic each night and we would take to the iPad to surf the interwebs for relevant info/pictures. The first night he picked the Milky Way as his topic. We read a little about the Milky Way and checked out some pictures. He was thrilled and filled with more questions. I then turned to his two year old sister and asked if there were anything she wanted to learn about. Her reply? The chocolate milky way. :)Tweet
My five year old son and I tell jokes every night at bed time. The tradition started about a year ago after he watched a DVD of “I Spy”, an HBO produced kid’s show. The show’s lead character “Spyler” pauses the action every few minutes to drop some supremely corny jokes. I must admit that my son’s act hasn’t matured much in the past year. He’s pretty much a one trick pony. Regardless of the setup his punchline usually involves someone farting or having their hair fall out.
Example: Why did the cow cross the road? Because he didn’t have any hair!
He’s no Louis CK but he has good instincts and isn’t lacking in confidence.
Here is the G rated joke we worked out this week:
Why did they stop playing cards at the zoo?
Too many cheetahs
Click the link to discover the “Uno”.
I’m not sure how the “Uno” eluded me for this long but it apparently debuted in 2008. My son and I came across a picture of this transportation oddity last week while looking at motorcycle photos on Google Images. The concept blew both our minds. Of course, he’s five and I’m a big dummy so the mind blowing should be taken with a grain of salt. It’s basically a Segway in motorcycle form. I have no idea how it works, or any care to learn, but it does look pretty cool. It’s also another shining example of the lengths to which dudes will go in an attempt to get laid. Come on, we know that’s the real reason this thing was invented.
I’d like to test drive the “Uno” but I’m a giant wuss so I’ll probably pass. If you are in the market for an “Uno” I’d suggest you check with your insurance provider to make sure that Cage/Travolta Face off surgery is covered. This thing is an asphalt facial waiting to happen.Tweet
We were gathered around the kitchen table this evening enjoying a late dinner. The kids had swim lessons and we didn’t get home until 6:30. We’re normally finished dinner by that time but with the recent springing forward of the clocks we planned on keeping the kids up a little late anyway. About halfway thru the meal my beautiful two year old daughter farted.
Boy howdy did she fart! It lasted a good 8 seconds, no lie. What began as a low rumble ended with the four of us laughing hysterically around the dinner table. Please understand that my Wife and I don’t norrmally encourage, or even tolerate, passing gas at the table. This was a special circumstance. We tried our best to wait out my daughter’s accoustical performance but once she was 5 seconds into it, with no sign of slowing down, we shed our veil of parental scorn and just lost it. We were practically screaming with laughter. Tears filled our eyes. My son laughed uncontrollably and my daughter couldn’t have been more proud.
We quickly regained our composure and informed our little princess that it’s rude to fart at the table. My Wife tried to get her to say “excuse me” but our girl was more interested in yelling “Ha,ha, I farted!” She may be our princess, but she’s no lady. Not yet anyway.Tweet
My five year old son is obsessed with superheroes. He loves Spiderman and Batman. He constantly runs through the house shooting imaginary webs at anyone who dares to cross his path. His little sister is often the victim of a web related sneak attack. She usually doesn’t know what the hell is going on. She’s just minding her own business pretending to change a baby doll’s diaper when he runs screaming into the room and throws a blanket over her/knocks her to the floor/kidnaps said baby doll setting off an ear piercing round of crying.
A few weeks ago we were visiting my parents when the kids started playing superheroes. My son was Batman. He told his sister that she could be Robin. She vehemently objected.
"I’m not Robin! Robin is a boy and I’m a goil!"
My son tried to calm her down and offered her the position of Kitty Woman, who you probably know as Catwoman.
"No! I’m not Kitty Woman. I’m Baby Woman."
Baby Woman? Where the hell did that come from? It almost makes too much sense. She’s not a cat, a bat, a spider, or any other such creature. She is damn near a baby. Baby Woman has surfaced a few more times over the past two weeks and as near as I can tell her superpowers are dumping oatmeal on the floor, climbing bookshelves, and jumping off the windowsill.Tweet
So Tumblebus is a thing.
(This is my 5 year old son’s artistic rendering of the Tumblebus.)
When I got home from work the other day my son informed me that the Tumblebus came to his preschool. He was thrilled and I was intrigued. The tumblebus is basically a rolling gym for kids. Apparently not only can you have the Tumblebus show up to your school, birthday party, or family reunion but you can also be an owner.
Yep, Tumblebus offers franchises. Tumblebus sounds like a great idea but to this point every one of these empty warehouse spaces turned tumbling centers I’ve seen has gone belly up a few months after we visited. Tumblebus is different because you don’t have to account for a costly lease. According to the website Tumblebus has been in business for over 25 years and has over 300 buses operating in North America.
The Tumblebus reminded me of another seemingly brilliant idea, “The Booty Lounge" which was basically a mobile strip club or a rolling zoning violation depending upon your outlook. Detroit police busted the operators of "The Booty Lounge" in the Fall for operating a strip club out of a bus near Ford Field.
I’m thinking about introducing the “Nap Wagon”. I’ll buy an RV and outfit it with four or five nap stations. We’ll take it to businesses and offer employees a place to siesta during their lunch break. We’ll burn some candles, put some Cat Stevens on a loop, and serve warm milk and cookies. For a small fee you can rent a Snuggie. We could even offer babysitting services and roll the Nap Wagon right into your driveway to let Mom and Dad catch some shut eye while the kids play under the supervision of an Early Education undergrad. Who’s in?Pin It Tweet
There are adult big wheels!
Maybe I’m late to the party on this one, but holy effing crap there are adult big wheels!
I was taking my kids to the playground last Wednesday when my son decided he wanted to ride his big wheel rather than his bike. I went along with it though I fully expected to be carrying the big wheel after he got tired of peddling uphill.
He never tired. His little legs churned and churned and he got the ultimate payback on the ride home. All those efforts to make it uphill to the playground were rewarded with a downhill drift on the way home that nearly blew his five year old mind. At one point he lifted his feet off the peddles, kicked them out to the side, and screamed:
"Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!"
Hell yes buddy. This is the same kid who used to be scared to ride his bike w/training wheels down a slight incline. Suddenly he’s an adrenaline junkie?
I must admit his trip downhill looked like a load of fun. It brought back great memories of countless hours spent big wheeling around my neighborhood as a kid. I can proudly say that I wore out more than a few tires and hand brakes spinning out at the bottom of a hill. There aren’t many things in the world that are more fun than riding a big wheel.
After observing my son’s exploits I thought, “They should totally make big wheels for adults”. Like most of my great ideas someone had beaten me to the punch. Now for a mere $259.99 I can relive the glory of my youth, only now I can blow off my homework and blatantly feed brussel sprouts to the dog.Tweet